All of that blathering and I forgot the instant gratification part of the post. I got a new phone. I got a new phone on impulse (well, I had planned to get a new phone, and I had researched phones, but I ended up with a different one than I intended, thus the impulsive part). I saw, I touched, I wanted. I asked if they had it in stock. They did. I bought.
And then y'know what happened? Nothing. The data plan that I ordered (and that is necessary to operate said phone) failed to kick in. I have had the coolest phone IN THE WORLD for 2 days and it doesn't even work.
(wait for it...)